Thursday, October 2, 2008

I can't think of a title, which goes along nicely with the theme of this post

Somewhere down this road called mothering I have been walking down for the past eight years, I feel like I have lost something.

Mainly, my mind.

I know it seems funny, but I remember back in college when I used to sit around with others and carry on in-depth conversations about life, faith, the future...basically anything and nothing for hours on end. Convictions were challenged, friendships were solidified and time seemed to never end.

I feel like I have now been reduced to a bunch of short, simple phrases like, "Put your shoes away." or "Do you want fries with that?" or "No." or "Remember your backpack."

How did I end up here so quickly?

Most of the time I am so busy caught up in the busyness of raising three kids that I don't even realize I have spent most of the day on auto.

And then I will catch a glimpse...

Reading a great blog, watching a movie that makes me think or a random conversation with a complete stranger and it comes back, albeit slowly, that part of me that needs to be filled apart from my mothering role.

I try to jump in...adding a comment on a blog I like, joining a book club - good attempts, but going back for a second glance my attempts seem almost humorous. Something I wrote that seemed witty to me at the time seems so embarrassingly lacking or conversations about my opinions seem weak or disappointing, they just don't convey me adequately in that moment. Give me a day to respond or write a comment and maybe I can come up with something better.

Do you ever wish you could get a second chance for people to glance at who you are or that at any moment you could accurately convey your heart, even in the midst of chaos? I know it takes time and being intentional, two things I seem to be lacking at this stage of my life with three young kids, but I need to start, at least somewhere.

And I wonder, how do other moms do it? Or dads for that matter. Moms (or dads) whose writing and thoughts are examples of where I want to be or can articulate what is in my head so much clearer than I can. How do I get there in the midst of raising kids and sometimes just getting by?

Do you ever wonder how people see you? I think about my blog stuff and it seems to be such a tiny fraction of what I really am about. If someone glances at my blog they will see quite quickly I am an mom and that I am a Christian or that I live in Texas; I write about my kids and my day to day life, but it is just a part.

I am not even completely sure what I am trying to get at except that I want to work on my writing so it will better reflect more of me or the direction I am trying to head to, apart from being home room mom, or the trips I have taken or birthday parties at Chuck E Cheeses.

So, if you're new to this blog or you're just stopping by and see me writing about the things I have mentioned above, don't just write me off. Come back again sometime and maybe you will catch a glimpse of something that is deeper than what it may appear to be.

Take care,
Julie

8 comments:

melanie said...

first time to your blog and i already see it. one day others will too. persevere. persevere. persevere.

Debbie said...

What I hate the most is how I often interrupt myself or others to tell my kids something because my poor mind knows it won't remember it. And, I love your blog. Never fear. We are all moms and in the same spot. We learn about each other little by little.

Bubba's Sis said...

I'm not sure where my brain is. Some days I have it, others I don't. Bubba's Mom and I think we share a brain. I don't know, but I feel the same way you do.

No worries - I'll be back to your blog lots! :-)

Tales From the Eurovan said...

Hello!

Thanks for all the nice comments. Sometimes, I think we just want to be reassured we are not the only ones feeling a certain way. That's why blogging is so great!

Take care,
Julie

D... said...

It's called Mom Brain and everyone who is a mom has it, no worries. I would love to be a tad more "deep" or just plain remember things but I have embraced the fact that my kids have stolen my intelligence. ;)

Your blog is just great, just as you are!

Becoming Me said...

Excellent post Julie! And one to which I can completely relate. As our friend Molly says, "I pushed my brain cells out with my kids."

I often feel like I am the lamest commenter ever! And some times I feel like a writer and other times I'll re-read my blog posts and think "Amateur!"

Your heart is so beautiful and it does shine through all you do. Your writing matters, my friend. I love you!

Tales From the Eurovan said...

Thank you D and Becoming Me! Your comments made my day! I keep hoping that as my kids get older, more of my brain will come back, too! A girl can dream, right?!

Take care friends!

Julie

katemcdonald said...

as a new(er) mom of a 17 month old (Still feel like I am new at this!) I can so commiserate with you! I actually have to set aside time to THINK because it scares me to knwo that not using and stretching your brain is one of the causes of Alzhiemers... I forget one thing due mostly like to a lack of sleep and I start worrying about the state of my brain since becoming a mom! ahhh!