Somewhere down this road called mothering I have been walking down for the past eight years, I feel like I have lost something.
Mainly, my mind.
I know it seems funny, but I remember back in college when I used to sit around with others and carry on in-depth conversations about life, faith, the future...basically anything and nothing for hours on end. Convictions were challenged, friendships were solidified and time seemed to never end.
I feel like I have now been reduced to a bunch of short, simple phrases like, "Put your shoes away." or "Do you want fries with that?" or "No." or "Remember your backpack."
How did I end up here so quickly?
Most of the time I am so busy caught up in the busyness of raising three kids that I don't even realize I have spent most of the day on auto.
And then I will catch a glimpse...
Reading a great blog, watching a movie that makes me think or a random conversation with a complete stranger and it comes back, albeit slowly, that part of me that needs to be filled apart from my mothering role.
I try to jump in...adding a comment on a blog I like, joining a book club - good attempts, but going back for a second glance my attempts seem almost humorous. Something I wrote that seemed witty to me at the time seems so embarrassingly lacking or conversations about my opinions seem weak or disappointing, they just don't convey me adequately in that moment. Give me a day to respond or write a comment and maybe I can come up with something better.
Do you ever wish you could get a second chance for people to glance at who you are or that at any moment you could accurately convey your heart, even in the midst of chaos? I know it takes time and being intentional, two things I seem to be lacking at this stage of my life with three young kids, but I need to start, at least somewhere.
And I wonder, how do other moms do it? Or dads for that matter. Moms (or dads) whose writing and thoughts are examples of where I want to be or can articulate what is in my head so much clearer than I can. How do I get there in the midst of raising kids and sometimes just getting by?
Do you ever wonder how people see you? I think about my blog stuff and it seems to be such a tiny fraction of what I really am about. If someone glances at my blog they will see quite quickly I am an mom and that I am a Christian or that I live in Texas; I write about my kids and my day to day life, but it is just a part.
I am not even completely sure what I am trying to get at except that I want to work on my writing so it will better reflect more of me or the direction I am trying to head to, apart from being home room mom, or the trips I have taken or birthday parties at Chuck E Cheeses.
So, if you're new to this blog or you're just stopping by and see me writing about the things I have mentioned above, don't just write me off. Come back again sometime and maybe you will catch a glimpse of something that is deeper than what it may appear to be.